My brain's spewings

So.... I've been watching Def Poetry on youtube... And an hour into my scoffing, giggling, goosebumping and aweing I am actually feeling pretty profound. I want to write something profound. I want to put pen to paper, words on lips and turn small insignificant thoughts to larger than life realities and produce a piece of poetry so intense, so facetious, so insightful and so worthy of praise. I want to produce laughter and evoke tears, I want to provoke thoughts, challenge convention and emote my innermost feelings. Then I come to the sudden and harsh realisation that I have not the intelligence, creativity nor the wits to do anything remotely near as what I have seen others do tonight on Def Poetry Jam.

So instead I'll write about my first week at my new hospital job. I've changed tack, I'm gonna be the nice friendly new girl, then... When they least expect it I'm gonna "switch up my game" and turn into the most career hungry, ladder climbing crazy bitch of all... The one who spends the weekends at home reading text books whilst sharpening her scary talons so that she can get a better grip when she's climbing all over her colleagues corpses to get to the top.

No really I just hate being the new girl, smiling insanely like I am high on some cocktail of prescription drugs. I really do not want to be known like the grouchy new girl. I'd rather be the smiley new girl... Now I think of it though smiley people give me the creeps especially when they have nothing to smile about. Like sitting eating lunch alone in the staff room, a random person walks in and you cannot for the life of you remember their name, and you instead give them a nauseated eggy cress salad sandwich smile. "Hello!?!" After an awkward pause, silence ensues and you go back to reading your 6 month old glamour magazine.

So I've been kindly shown about the department, a place which is in reality a bloody maze designed to swallow up the geographically challenged, I don't know how I'm gonna get about let alone direct patients to their departments. I have been introduced to a hundred million people two times over... I have been given a half baked induction pack by the manager all the while my suspicion building. I then enquired when the last time was when someone joined their team. 4 years ago I was told, suddendly I experience those fast whooshing flashbacks you always seen in those edgy tv programs like CSI or Spooks. I recounted up to ten faces that lit up just before these word spilled out of their mouths "Finally a new nurse! How exiting!" The "finally" part should have been enough of a warning. I have made a conscious decision to not make up my mind untill I have done more than just the two days.

I am also rather surprised that there is absolutely NO eyecandy there. I am terrible with names but extremely good with faces so I am a hundred percent sure. I am rather dissapointed that my heart won't skip a beat in anticipation of the resident heart throb looking me in the eye when asking me to pass the diary/milk/paper/scalpel (delete as necessary)

I have nothing much to say about the new job but want to desperately vent about a couple of things

I was told today that someone I know/knew is getting married. I am not sure how I feel about it, especially since I randomly got back in touch with them a week ago. I was trying to find a friend's number and accidently texted this one instead. So I apologised for wasting their time, and got an earwhacking for changing my number again. I was asked how I was doing I replied and as you would politely asked how they were doing.... No reply... Stupid idiot.

That mentally retarded 16 year old sister of mine is getting on my tits. No one can get under my skin as much as she does because she hold her cards closer to her chest more than anyone in this family. I can have an argument with any one of my other siblings and can imagine their faces when I've hit them where it hurts... This little bitch on the other hand can will annoy me to the point to when I happily slaughter her in my sleep. I am rather disturbed I know, but it is how I feel at the moment. She is sixteen and has practically outgrown me, she has been nurtured and so has thrived in this environment I call a loving family and has now decided to repay us by being that one sibling who has to be the difficult one. The one who fails at all her subjects in school because she'd rather spend all her nights on msn and speak on her phone untill 5am, outright refused to use her initiative and contribute to the house in whatever way she is capable, sat at home all summmer not making the slightest efforts in getting a job choosing instead to while away the hours eating, being obnoxious and eating. Enough about her, my head is about to explode in anger.


And finally I feel like my time is being wasted AGAIN. I don't know why I must choose to forge shady friendships with people especially when I know that I find it hard to forgive others for their shortcomings and bad decisionmaking skills, and when I finally find it within myself forgive, I never ever forget that one time my trust was broken. Why I choose to be befriended by people who won't and by rights should never become available to me emotionally I will never know.