78th post

Well here I am again, updating because I feel bad for having a blog that is not fulfilling it's purpose in life..... No, that's a lie, I'm really updating because narcisistically I need to put my thoughts to keyboard, hammer out my latest brainwaves and send it out into cyberworld for those 0.25 people who actually read it.

Another major change took place in my life, hence the timing. I just completed my last shift at the A&E department I worked at tuesday the 13th octber going onto wednesday the 14th of october.... A night shift to remember for many reasons.


So there I was at about 05:30 am dozing off on my 45 min break (Yes! Contrary to popular belief we get breaks every now and then as NHS staff!!!!) Nice relaxing atmosphere with lights dimmed low far away from shrieking toddlers and the appetising sounds of retching and drunken louts, Gilmore girls played softly on the plasma widescreen TV in the staff room (NOT funded by the NHS I am obliged to say)the door opened and I heard a couple of people hesitantly sing "Happy Birthday To You!" I looked at Leo my colleague snoring away loudly on the couch adjacent to me. Quick thinking on my part revealed that it wasn't anyone's birthday on that shift. A huge crowd of my colleagues wandered into the staffroom with 3 birthday cakes all lit up with candles and they all were gravitating towards me! In a fit of panic I yelped that it wasn't my birthday. When the Sister in charge said, that it was all set up in aid of my last shift at the hospital!

I hate surprises

I gave a weak smile and blew out the candles (minimal spittle included), an applause followed accompanied by a couple of sods asking weakly for a speech....

I dont do speeches

I was later told that they decided to sing the birthday song because they didn't know what else to sing..... (How about just shouting Surpise!)

Anywho I'm going back on friday so that I can send an email detailing EXACTLY why I am leaving to the managers and HR(too long and boring to go into)

The changes I went through since starting there are of a cosmic size. I've grown up so much that I'm totally a different person than when I first started there. I've mainly become a cynic, I don't long anymore for people's approval and no longer waste time disecting the reasons why someone may not make the effort of returning a smile, greeting and one of my main pet peeves the ignoring the humble thank you.... The place was filled with miserable cows and bulls for that matter with simple agendas. Nontheless It was a humbling experience being able to view this sort of behaviour fist hand. Would I change my demeanor if I could do it over again? Yes! More confrontational is what I should have been, seeing bad behaviour and staying schtum made me a hypocrite, how could I have looked down on someone else's behaviour but not have the gumption to verbally oppose it, or attempted to rectify it?
I have to regretfully also report the sudden and unfortunately persistent appearance of my one INNER COW. I used to come home and refused to speak civilly, only communicate in either grunts or shrieks, and have fretful sleeps. I awoke in the mornings with an aura of doom, not quite knowing what I dreamt of but yet knowing it wasn't a pleasant dream. I also used to come home after a shift just to wipe the makeup off my face, have a quick wash and hit the pillow only to wake up 5hrs later to go back! When I get there the upside down smile remains, unsure how how to deal with people when I'm feeling this way alienated the ones I actually got on with... I acted as a stupid girl who was premenstrual for 7.5 months.

A positive attitude change was more than due.


Seven and a half hours after my last shift finished I am still awake and am I nostalgically looking back at times that once were and hopefully never will be again.