Oh, how loaded with sarcasm is that title?
Don't get me wrong! Once upon a time we did get along... for a bit... I might have been in that age range at the time but I soon grew out of it and into my "I am so much more mature than anything walking on the earth’s surface, do not speak to me until you have successfully gone through puberty." I think I was 4 years old at the time.
Kids, toddlers, children, pre-adolescents, nippers, ankle biters, cubs, cherubs, bairns, to me, it doesn't really matter what name is attributed to them; they are all pretty much a pain in the bum. Kids and I, like I said before got along pretty well once upon a time, but at some point in my life I lost it. You know what I mean, that little twinkle I used to get in my eye when a saw one, the understanding nod we used to exchange on seeing one another. That all just evaporated into thin air.
I woke up one day and added them to my list of "Things to avoid at any costs" There is nothing I hate more than sitting on the top deck of lets say the 53 and have one of them sit in front of me with a distracted parent. I end up having ones with chronic ADHD who have just been ejected from McD's or the sweet aisle in Woolworths, all hyper and twisting and turning in their seats sit right in front of me. What makes this experience even worse for me is when they turn right around and stare me straight in the face, purple tinged drool dripping from the side of their mouths. I can literally pinpoint the moment of realisation dawn on their face, suddenly I find myself on the receiving end of that sly calculating look, a deep inhalation, and a torrent of abuse is unleashed on me in baby speak. Others might find it cute and amusing, but only the two of us know that the purpose of this exercise was for the child to establish their hold over me by single-handedly grabbing the attention of all on the top deck and directing it at me (as if it wasn’t bad enough that I left the house with one eye made up). As per usual I don’t know what to do other than to engage in what I believe is baby speak but what to others sounds like incoherent crazy cooing babble. Child – 1 You - 0
Another reason why I try to avoid being in the company of one at all costs is their unwillingness to compromise. If you think about it, nobody would really want to recruit them if it came to jobs right? So why the hell should we have to put up with them in society?
It’s like this: they want something i.e. Malibu Barbie driving the Barbie convertible, Barbie clothes for all occasion, refurbished Malibu home and the helipad. You look at the price tag and realise it is the same as your entire week’s shopping bill and say, “listen bunny, why don’t you just take Glitterball Barbie complete with the Retro 80’s gown? Doesn’t she look pretty like a princess? It’s like the same thing you wore for auntie Amina’s wedding.” The child looks at you in mild amusement until she realises you are serious. A trembling bottom lip, slow reddening of face, a quiet “I don’t like Glitterball Barbie she looks like a retard”, followed by an “I hate you I wish you weren’t’ my mum/sister/brother/dad!” (delete as necessary), then an inhuman high-pitched war cry which reaches its crescendo when the little demon runs out of breath. This psychological warfare continues until you give, in or are brave enough to stand up to assaulter and take a miniscule step to winning the war.
No wonder this phase of human maturation has always been associated with the Id. How can one be expected to reason, and come to an understanding with someone whose (current) aim in life to get what they want to the detriment of the other party if it comes to that?
I'd have a teenager any day; I'd even say giving birth to a life-sized one would be something I'd be willing to endure for the sake of my sanity.
It takes a bigger person to resolve this issue, and I believe that person probably won't be me. I like my size
