The Wonder that is William

This story is dedicated to the memory of William Maudlin
R.I.P
William
"The smartest hamster in the world"
8th December 2005- 22nd February 2007
You will be sorely missed my little dude
Enjoy sunflower seed mountain

William was a nervous and shy little fellow, and unlike his eager peers with their little wet noses and shiny eyes, he hated change with a passion. Throughout his duration in The Hamster Training Institution where the school motto was; “Educating the Furry Friends of the Future” and the most challenging course were the riveting sessions with Madame Nibbletooth on; “How to Maintain an Air of Collective Cuteness When Exercising on the Wheel” he dreaded the day would come where he would be yanked out of the familiar clutches of institutionalised education and forcefully thrust into the unknown world of petdom.

William fully well understood that the entire duration spent in the HTI was for the sole purpose of preparing him for the inevitable part of his life to come, he just could not bear to make the transition to having a real human owner from the pathetic simulation doll with one eye missing in the home tech lab that goes by the name of Hugh Mann III.

William did not consider Them owners really, he could not get his head around this concept, no matter how much they drummed it into him in the HTI, to William, owners essentially took on the maternal role, the feeding, cleaning of the living quarters, making sure their pet (another term William passionately disagreed with) was healthy, they do everything short from washing you, he thought. William preferred to think of Them as Maintainers, this he tried to explain to his Social Relations teacher; Monsieur Hommestersson, who did not take kindly to being contradicted causing William to be sentenced to three hours on The Wheel. William kept his little theories to himself from that day onwards.

The first he ever saw of her was a vast expanse of freckles, reminding William of the little droppings he used to indiscriminately leave all over the carpeted floor in the HTI staff room when he used to get pissed on spiked water from the upside-down water bottle in the office of the secret alcoholic PE teacher Monsieur Wheelier. That fateful day William was scared out of his wits and cowered in his familiar corner, his little ticker worked in overdrive; then he saw a glimpse of orange. William couldn’t believe his luck, for the first time in his life things seemed to be going his way.

His favourite things in life were sunflower seeds, familiarity, the formulation of new theories and Jessica Sniffleton. Jessica Sniffleton was William’s first girlfriend and she was ginger. In the hamster world gingers are considered royalty, their intellectual prowess and ingenuity manages to astound the most highly regarded hamster scholars. Their whirlwind holiday romance set in the back seat of a Ford Cortina on his trip to his vet where he subsequently was diagnosed with clinical depression (he never got over their break-up). Their love was short lasted but alas she was the greatest love of his life, until the fateful day Jenna came along…

Jenna the Ginger Goddess.

After the initial shock and horror worked off William was pretty sure it was love at first sight… On his part anyway, he thinks she liked him; the very loud cooing noises ensuing from her general direction seemed to insinuate that there was a chance she would take him home to be his and his only.

From that day onwards his life changed for the better, he ate sunflower seeds to his content, used the wheel as much and as little as he wanted to, thought up plenty theories that would knock the socks of Monsieur Hommestersson and didn’t think once about Jessica Sniffleton. William became a content hamster with not a care in the world, lived his life to the fullest and embraced change with the braveness of a lion all of which would have been impossible if not for the kindness and dedication of Jenna the Ginger Goddess.